Early morning. I have been up since 3:30 a.m. Laid there and thought for 1/2 hour, cleaned house for an hour. The only dirty clothes in the house take up only parts of two small baskets. I should be able to sit back and relax, only my to-do-list and its completion has come to be a reflection of what I am supposed to be. So, I am still restless, looking for the next thing to check off. My friend says that we are presented w/ the same test over and over until we get it right. If I, as a classic codependent, pull my worth from what I do, (which is contrary to how God works) will He offer me another test in the form of incapacitation? This morning in this quiet house, I am more aware of my thoughts. They are awful. I blame, explain, justify and am disappointed in what I am and who I am. I have been doing that for a long time. Right now, trying to change that conversation and turn to God feels fabricated, but I look forward to the day when it will be natural.