Meditation

I have heard of the great things meditation can do. Going to give it a try. There are new studies out showing that we design our brain. I feel like I need a new one. Meditation is supposed to help change your brain, to shut of excess, etc. I will give it a try.
Woke up at four a.m. Right on schedule considering daylight savings just ended and I used to get up at three. Am I going to waste time til six or go to the Source? let's take door number two.

I want to be codependent on God

"Trust not in the arm of flesh". Yeah, I have learned that one. Or I thought I had. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. I am retested on that everyday. That's just the nature of life. My strategy has been to make things nice and conducive to "peace". Hasn't worked. Maybe I should just punch life and my object of codependency in the face and say, "What the hell do you want?!"
I haven't been doing things for the love of being, but for the need to prove my worth. That's a great way to suck the life out of life and out of those around you that you are trying to 'help'. Time to live on my terms and God's terms. That's the only way this thing is going to work out.

Early morning. I have been up since 3:30 a.m. Laid there and thought for 1/2 hour, cleaned house for an hour. The only dirty clothes in the house take up only parts of two small baskets. I should be able to sit back and relax, only my to-do-list and its completion has come to be a reflection of what I am supposed to be. So, I am still restless, looking for the next thing to check off. My friend says that we are presented w/ the same test over and over until we get it right. If I, as a classic codependent, pull my worth from what I do, (which is contrary to how God works) will He offer me another test in the form of incapacitation? This morning in this quiet house, I am more aware of my thoughts. They are awful. I blame, explain, justify and am disappointed in what I am and who I am. I have been doing that for a long time. Right now, trying to change that conversation and turn to God feels fabricated, but I look forward to the day when it will be natural.

Yoga of Christ

I have started to recognize patterns of inspiration in my life. I have always had the desire to do "what was right". In this effort I have always struggled due to my bag of weaknesses. Selfishness in thinking of my weaknesses so much, trying to please others instead of God, trying to follow a "to do list". Lately, that pattern of inspiration has been about making my sole focus to be Christ.
A dear friend has long been helping me learn in phases about detaching from others and "getting married to God."
Check out the mp3 file "Yoga of Christ" by Philip McLemore at www.sunstonemagazine.com . This talks about detaching ourselves from all else but Christ in a way that i have never before understood.

Good dependencies lead to good independencies

You think when you are younger that you will have "it" together by the time you are thirty or so. It's just assumed. I have some things figured out, but still feel like I am starting from scratch. All the rules have changed. I thought the goal was to "be nice". I think now that if you don't have someone that doesn't like you, then you haven't really been passionate about anything. Makes me want to go start a fight. LOL
My focus now, which is weighed down by my years of being nice, is to have my only dependency be on one - that is Jesus Christ. I was at a TimeOut for Women. The speaker was recounting the story of Jesus walking on water and sweet, spontaneous Peter wanting to go out to meet him. Peter was able to briefly walk on water because his focus was entirely on the Lord. Of course, it was only when his focus was taken off that he fell. I heard the story before, but had never thought much about how they got back to the boat. They WALKED back TOGETHER. Right now I feel the opposite of everything I admire in Peter - spontaneous, fiercely loyal, and dependent on the right person. That's going to change.

This blog is the result of me painfully wanting to relax and enjoy life. It seems like I have always been shy of this goal. After many hours of reading, pondering, praying, counseling, walking (not enough :) ), observing healthy people, journaling, researching, etc. I came across something that I think really pegs it for me. It's a list off of the CoDA website or www.codependents.org entitled "Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence". I was 19 out of 22 listed characteristics. I hesitated naming this blog what I did because it is my aim to GET OUT from under that description, but it fit so well. So here I go journaling my road out of codependency!!!